


The Key to My Heart

by nyren_is_tired



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bad Writing, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Multi, Past Abuse, Platonic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Light Sides (Sanders Sides), Unsympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:01:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28560972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyren_is_tired/pseuds/nyren_is_tired
Summary: After Remus' introduction, Janus isn't doing so well. After an accident, however, he starts using his relationship as a means to self harm.Janus spirals.A//N: Ah, the first finished fanfic of mine. And purely because I wrote it all in one sitting (my brain hurts now lol). Hey, at least the updates won't be a mystery now x)*Originally posted on Wattpad by the same name - Please don't repost any of my work*
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhhhh I'm so sorry this is terrible quality (and that the chapters are fairly short) xD
> 
> Also **PLEASE** READ THE TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS AND LET ME KNOW IF THERE SHOULD BE MORE!!!!!!

Frantic.  
Janus had been frantically on edge for the majority of the past week. His boyfriends, Patton and Logan, had not noticed much of it, however.   
Ever since Remus made an appearance to Thomas, Janus had been panicking. He couldn’t let him hurt Thomas - wasn’t hurting Janus enough for him? Why was it not? Oh God - he’s back! What if-  
A sharp, sudden pain brought Janus out of his panicking. Looking down, he saw the glove on his right hand starting to turn red. In his derailing thoughts, he’d accidentally cut his hand instead of the celery. Janus spent a moment staring at his hand before something just, clicked.  
He wasn’t anxious anymore.  
Instead, a numb calmness brought on by the knife overwhelmed his senses. He was so out of it, that he didn’t notice when Patton walked into the kitchen.  
“Oh, hey Janus,” Patton greeted brightly. When he didn’t get a verbal - or even a physical - response, Patton’s smile dropped into a worried frown before walking over.  
“Jan- oh my God!” The sound of Patton’s glass shattering as it fell to the floor barely reached Janus. He vaguely comprehended strong arms moving him from where he was frozen in place still, and barely registered when Logan removed his glove. He was so lost in thought, that it took a minute for him to come out of it upon Logan’s gentle caressing of Janus’ scaled side which was ever sensitive.   
“Ah, there - you’re present again,” Logan softly spoke as Janus took in Patton sweeping the broken glass from where he was seated on a dinner chair, to his newly bandaged hand, to finally, Logan’s eyes.  
“I’m sorry about that, I guess I got distracted,” Janus told him before looking down.  
Logan tilted his chin back up, “Hey, you’re alright now and that’s what is important.”  
“God - I love you,” Janus sighed as he leaned forward into Logan’s shoulder, of whom pressed a kiss to Janus’ hat, firm enough so that Janus would feel it.  
Patton could be heard brushing the glass into the bin, pausing a moment, before he walked over and joined the pile after wordlessly asking permission.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus begins to spiral deeper - using bad BDSM etiquette (I think that's the words I'm looking for?).

Janus was nervous about what he was about to do. He just hoped his boyfriends wouldn’t see through this lie.  
Ever since he’d cut himself by accident, Janus had been spiraling. Now that he knew the relief he got from the now healed cut - he wanted - no, needed, more of it.  
The only question had been how?  
If he hurt himself more, anywhere, his boyfriends would see it eventually. They had all had sex before, so if there were suddenly injuries and new scars appearing on him they’d question him. They were all known to be fairly affectionate and passionate with each other, so if he suddenly stopped having sex he felt he’d only be making them suspicious. Suspicion was dangerous territory. Eventually, however, he felt he had a way to make both possible.  
As Janus pulled away from a kiss with Patton while Logan was working on taking Janus’ capelet and shirt off, Janus spoke.  
“Hey guys?” Immediately he had their undivided attention, which made him blush. ‘At least it’ll aid this particular lie,’ he thought.  
“I’d, uhm, well I just wanted to share something with you.” At this, their worried faces lightened in worry a bit, and Logan moved to sit beside Janus.  
“What is it, love?” Janus blushed harder at Patton’s words.  
“Well, you see, I have a couple things I think I’ve discovered. I, uhm, I have a pain and degradation kink that I’d like to put to use.” Their silence was almost maddening.  
Finally, Logan responded, “Well, I’m sure we can try to accommodate that. But first, we need a safe word.”  
Patton nodded thoughtfully, “How about ‘cherry’?”  
“Alright, does that work for you, Janus?” Janus was shocked they were buying it, but went along with the safeword despite knowing he wouldn’t use it.  
“Works for me.”  
“And three taps if you can’t speak?” Janus gulped at that.  
“Umhm.”  
And Janus smiled, genuinely, for the first time in weeks knowing he would finally have some of that bliss again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus' past abuse is tainting the bliss...  
> ...and Virgil and Roman are getting concerned.

Those moments of bliss turned out to be limited, but no way in hell was Janus stopping. At least they existed.  
Sadly, however, as the bliss was tainted. All the demeaning, harsh words, and all the madhandling and hitting in the bedroom was truly taking a toll on him. Every time pain was brought onto him in some way, the bliss was tainted by panic and the burden of forcing himself to not flashback to when he lived with Remus.   
At least there was some amount of bliss, though.  
He found himself flinching and freezing more often around Virgil and Roman instead of snipping back at them with sarcastic venom as he usually would. And despite all the affection with Patton and Logan, there was now also a slight edge of fear around them. He knew the fear was irrational - he’d asked for it, and they still loved him as they had before. All the same, however, it didn’t go away. In fact, it was only getting worse.  
It was getting noticeable, but he didn’t know that.  
_____  
Virgil and Roman had noticed the rising anxiety and flinching in Janus. And they’d be damned if they didn’t find out what was wrong with the polyamorous relationship of the mind.  
For Virgil had also noticed the slightly anxious look in Janus’ eyes when he was around Patton or Logan. For despite the liar’s incredible acting, Virgil just knew when people were anxious by looking them in their eyes, just like Janus knew when someone was lying through his breathing providing different tastes.  
And Virgil knew Janus was only so far from a complete breakdown.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Roman confront Patton and Logan about Janus, ending on a cliffhanger (because I suck).

“What do you mean you have no idea what we’re talking about?!” Virgil hissed, demonic voice coming out to play.  
Patton raised his hands in the air, “I-”  
“Oh my God, Patton, he’s right. Janus has been acting off. And besides, Virgil knows when people are anxious, Patton, just because you didn’t sense this emotion doesn’t mean it isn’t there,” Logan inturrupted, wide eyed at his lack of observing.  
“I trusted he would tell us if something was wrong, but, oh my God Patton, I think he lied.” Logan turned to Patton, eyes full of such rarely seen emotion.  
Patton lowered his hands, before seeing Logan’s eyes and realizing they really, truly f***ed up (censorship thanks to Patton).  
“Oh my God, we have to make sure he’s okay!”  
“Wait, hold your regal reigns, this prince is confused - what did he lie about??”   
Patton and Logan shared a remorseful and debateful look, before ultimately Patton spoke up.  
“He told us he enjoyed certain types of activities in the bedroom, but looking back now, he never once seemed to truly enjoy it! I’m ashamed to say we didn’t notice until now,” Patton told them, starting to tear up, “All this time, and he never safeworded. Never asked us to stop, instead, asking for more. How could I have done this?” Patton cried, despaired, and turned to Logan for comfort.  
Virgil and Roman stood there in shock for a minute, looked at each other, then looked back at the other two.  
“Guys, I think you need to talk to him,” Virgil said, anxiously biting his nail.  
Patton immediately fled the room, with Logan on his heels. Knocking on Janus’ door hurriedly and gaining no response, they looked at each other, before trying to open the door, which wouldn’t budge.  
Roman looked at Virgil as they arrived to the scene, who nodded, “Move guys!” They did as instructed, and Roman hovered his hand over the locked door, whispering quietly before the click of a lock could be heard.   
He clasped the handle and opened the door.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find Janus.
> 
> **Graphic depiction of suicide attempt is in this chapter**

Patton screamed.

Logan’s eyes widened.

Roman stopped dead in his tracks and gasped.

Virgil froze.

In front of them, Janus looked up from his place on the floor a moment, startled, before suddenly heaving again.  
Janus’ room looked like a tornado had swept through - a stark contrast to its usual comfortably clean state. There lay five envelopes labeled with each of the other sides names hastily written on them. Next to Janus, were three now empty bottles of pills, and two empty bottles of the mindscapes well known, hardest, liquor.  
Beside them was Janus, one hand clamped over his mouth to stop him from vomiting it all back up, and the other clamped around his curled in torso. He was using another set of his arms to hold himself up on his knees while his body tried to get rid of the poisons. He looked pale, and was sweating a ton. His human side had deep bags under his eyes, and his snake side looked very dull. His eyes kept frantically looking around the room as if there were others only he could see.

And it was clear he had been crying.

Suddenly, Janus passed out.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus' boyfriends comfort him.

Janus awoke with an intense migraine and stomach pains. Next to him, he saw Patton sleeping in a chair. He tried to sit up, only to fall back down on the cot.

Suddenly, Logan walked in looking like he hadn’t slept in days. Upon seeing Janus awake, he froze, clasping his clipboard harder before suddenly bolting over and hugging him.

“I thought I’d lost you, I’m so sorry,” he murmured into a surprised Janus’ shoulder. After a moment, he pulled away, bustling over to a cabinet and countertop he prepared something. Turning back to Janus he smiled sadly and handed him a bowl with some black powder in it.

“Here, it’s charcoal. It’s to help counteract the medicine you took,” Janus stared at it a moment, before eventually taking the bowl. 

At the sound of Janus’ slight gagging from the taste of the charcoal, Patton startled awake. He looked around a moment, before seeing Janus awake. His eyes widened and he hugged Janus so tightly Janus thought that maybe since he didn’t die from the pills and alcohol, maybe this hug could kill him instead. Before that happened, however, Patton pulled away crying.

“We read the letters, and before that had just realized it was hurting you. We had come to make it right, but - oh god it was even worse than we’d thought. I, we didn’t have any idea what he did and I just - oh my God I’m so sorry we made it worse! We didn’t realize you were lying and-“ Patton was cut off by Janus’ finger on his lips. Janus gave a weak smile, before dropping his hand.

“Hey, you couldn’t have known. I never told anyone about it. And, I, that day with the celery in the kitchen? When my hand was cut? It was an accident but I just, it gave me something else to hold onto. But it built up and I was never honest about how I actually was. And I’m not okay, I probably won’t ever be but thank you for having been there for me,” Janus gave another sad smile, obviously resigned to his own death still.

“No. You can’t die, Janus. If not for yourself, or us, do it for Thomas. You’re his sense of self preservation. If you die, he’ll die, and by extension, all of us. And beyond that, we love you so much. And if you don’t ever want to see Logan or I again you don’t have to - we’ve talked about it and we’re willing to make that sacrifice. Remus has been locked in his room, too, so he shouldn’t be an issue either. We love you, so much Jan, and we’ll do whatever it takes to keep you alive. You can do it Jan.” And just like that, the damn breaks, and Janus cries. He cries and cries with his boyfriends until he falls asleep, finally peaceful enough for a good sleep for the first time in a long time.

He knows he isn’t okay, and won’t be somewhat okay for a long time. That he’ll have his ups and downs, but he also knows that in the end, he’ll be okay because he has people who care for him.


End file.
